I told myself I wasn’t going to write about him anymore. I am done with him. 100%.
At least in regards to wanting to see him, talk to him or in wanting anything from him. I am over him in that way.
But regardless of how things turned out, he was a part of my story. An important and lasting part. The essence of what I felt for him still runs through my veins and has imprinted itself on my DNA. I will never again in my life think of the concept of love, good or bad, without thinking of him…what he meant to me, how he changed me, etc.
Which is strange in a way because he really was not anything to me…he should have been only a distraction, a crush, a temporary infatuation.
He was never my boyfriend, never my lover, never even really my friend.
But he could have been. While in reality, he was nothing to me…..in truth, he could have been everything to me. And that is the part that haunts me.
I guess the one common truth we had was that “the bad outweighed the good”. He believed that about me but I cannot deny the fact anymore that I also believe that about him. So I no longer consider myself IN love with him. Nor do I hate him. Mostly, I “nothing” him, now.
Yet, there is still a part of me that feels like I have things to work out, thoughts to say, feelings to process and pain to heal. So I have decided that I am going to reopen my other blog, the little thoughts to him, one. Not for him to read…or anyone to read really. It will still be private. When it’s public, there are a handful of people who read it daily. I guess they come across it somehow. I’m usually ok with that, I suppose. It’s not anyone I know or have to interact with so the anonymity is still in place. But for now, I want to mourn, heal, learn and grow in private.
It’s going to be more of a personal diary. I am not going to ask him to read it again. I don’t want him to. He doesn’t deserve to know any of the good things I may have to say about him. Not anymore. And I’m fairly certain he doesn’t want to know any of the bad things I may say.
Though it’s not about bashing him. I don’t want to do that. And it’s not about professing my love for him anymore either. It’s just about my truth, how I am feeling at whatever given moment, how I have perceived everything and how I am processing that chapter in my life.
Because I am not going to write about him on this blog anymore. Maybe I will in passing or as a generalized reference to something else I am writing about. I mean, it will be hard not to ever mention him due to the aforementioned meaningfulness he had in my life. But it will not be in depth or to extremes because this blog needs to revert back to its original intention….my evolution.
My newest truth is that I am evolving past whatever it was that I felt for him. Loving him was a failure. I wish it had been different. I wish it had meant more or been more….but it was not and it’s time for me to learn from that, grow past it and evolve from it.
THIS blog needs to reflect that truth.