I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t even feel right now.
I am filled with so much pain and so much anger that I have to shut myself down, run on backup power and go into this self-induced numbness mode.
I am so broken right now and for the first time ever, I don’t know how to fix myself.
Every time I try, I feel like my head is about to explode, literally. It hurts to cry. It hurts to even breathe, like I’m having a panic attack every time I even think about how I feel about him now.
He has broken me….with no concern, no remorse, no regret….
and I hate him for that.
I hate him. But I don’t. He just leaves me no choice.
I just want to be unburdened of this love I no longer want to feel.
And the only way to do that is to push through all this discomfort, this physical and emotional pain and let it all out. But I’m afraid, I’m afraid to break even more. I’m afraid I won’t be the same. I’m afraid that there may be some permanent damage to my soul this time. I am afraid I will become someone I don’t want to be if I let the desire for revenge take over.
I am desperately trying to find the grace and the self-awareness and the emotional intelligence to get through this. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not that serious, that he is no one to me, that he has not been a relevant enough part of my life to be able to hurt me like this, that him being cold and heartless and dead inside is not my problem. I tell myself “fuck him”, he’s an asshole, let him have his loveless marriage of convenience and whatever passes for happiness in his life. I tell myself to just be glad I dodged that bullet because he doesn’t deserve another second of my affection or my attention.
But there is a constant internal struggle between what I feel and think I know about him and the image of himself he is constantly trying to shove down my throat. I know, I know, it should be a no-brainer….take him at face value, when someone shows you who they are, believe them and all those other black and white cliches and words of wisdom. But there is still a part of me that wants to think the best of him, that knows he is a good person on the inside, that wants him to be happy…there is just this cosmic connection, this irrevocable love and I can’t explain in words what he meant to me. I also can’t fully explain the ways in which he has hurt me. I definitely can’t explain it to him because he doesn’t have the comprehension for such things. I can’t even make complete sense of it myself.
I am just going to push through, I need to get these awful feelings out of me. I need to work through them, write about them, whatever I need to do, so I can purge myself of this pain….and of him…whatever the consequences may be to my peace my mind. I just know I cannot keep these feelings locked up under the watchful eye of indifference and numbness because they will only grow and infect me more.
So I will be writing, purging, expelling the demon that is him from my soul….then I will be done. Then I will erase every trace of him from my heart, my mind and my life and finally, finally move on.
But I won’t be sharing any of it with anyone. Not here on the blog, not in conversation with my best friend, not even with him….only with myself. I cannot sit comfortably with my vulnerability anymore, at least not in this moment. I cannot give any more of myself. I have nothing left to give. There is a fundamental piece of me that has been lost in the loving of this man. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is or if I’ll ever get it back.
But I have to find a way to make myself whole again and I feel like I can only do that in silence and solitude.