Ok, so I’ve slept most of the day away. I guess my body and mind had other ideas for me today. It’s all part of going with that flow. So what if I didn’t fold and put away all the laundry, so what if I didn’t get around to reorganizing the pantry….I’m done forcing myself to do things. My body said I needed rest. My mind said I needed quiet.
I’m just trying to be happy, in all the little ways I possibly can. And right now, for me, that means taking the path of least resistance and listening to my “inner self” and what it tells me I need.
On another note, I think I have discovered what I need to feel more cozy and calm and “at home” in my home. I thought it was just all the clutter and chaos….and it is partly that….but it’s also the aesthetic. Again, it’s a case of attuning my energy to my surroundings and I’m really drawn more to clean lines, neutral colors, natural light and organic materials. I love that bohemian vibe…pretty much in all things. So I’m thinking I need to redo my entire house into this aesthetic.
Actually, what I really need to do is find a new house that really fits my needs and just has a good vibe to it but that doesn’t seem feasible right now so I have to make do with what I have.
So, my new project is going to be to redecorate and re-vibe my home…lol…I like that…”re-vibe”.
I kinda feel like I am doing that in a bigger sense….re-vibing my entire life. And it feels really good. Now that I’ve “let go” and “let be”.
I spent so much time and energy searching for reason in so many things, chasing down logic and trying to make sense of my world, why unfortunate things, however small, kept disrupting my life…until I realized, that’s just it….it’s life! And I can’t control everything, only my choices and reactions and how I choose to move forward and live. I am the author of my own story, regardless of the plot twists the Universe throws my way.
Even in regards to my love for him, which has been one of the more exhilarating, yet confusing, and definitely painful plot twists….
I was constantly searching for validation, digging at my own heart for answers to justify the pain and make sense of why. Why I fell in love with him, why he didn’t love me back, why we can’t even have a friendship and why it has to be over. Why I even still have any hope at all?
But the thing is, even if I had all the answers…the reason, the rhyme….it still won’t change the way things turned out. His mind won’t change. He won’t suddenly “see me”. He won’t realize that he cares or spontaneously decide that now I’m someone worth knowing and having in his life. He made his decision. He stands firmly and proudly, it seems, in his choices.
So the only option I have left is to take the ending. It is what it is and even if I could rewrite it a thousand times, right now, in this moment, it’s still over.
And that’s all the answer I really need.