My divorce was finalized today.
I thought it was going to be a fairly uneventful situation considering we have been separated for almost 18 years and have only spoken a handful of times in the last 15 of those years.
But it ended up being an awkward situation because he decided to behave in a weird, nostalgic, sad way while I was totally indifferent to the situation.
Well, maybe not completely indifferent….I was relieved and excited in an unexpected way.
I say unexpected because in my mind, the relationship has been over for so many years. We have had nothing to do with each other all of this time. We don’t communicate or have anything at all connecting our lives except our children…..and not even really that because our kids are old enough now that we don’t have to communicate with each other about them anymore. And to be honest, we didn’t really co-parent when they were younger either. I did 99% of the parenting.
So, anyway, I just thought of it as a legal formality, a business transaction to be conducted between near strangers.
But I was oddly excited and once it was over, felt an overwhelming sense of freedom….even though I’ve been “free” this whole time.
I really don’t know why we waited so long. It was just never a pressing matter to me before because I guess it always felt like more of an unnecessary hassle (money, time, annoyance) when I had no intention of getting remarried anytime soon.
But then when I met the INTP and started having those feelings of love and thinking about potential and possibilities, I guess it sparked something in me to take care of any roadblocks and technicalities. And not in the sense that I thought I was going to end up married to him (though I have imagined it a time or two) but it was more of an urgency to be free to live and LOVE completely unencumbered in every sense of the word.
So I guess that is just another thing I can thank the INTP for, in a roundabout way. Even though I won’t end up with him, he sparked that renewed desire for complete freedom. Both I and my (possible) future husband thank him.
And the other great thing about today is knowing that my standards have evolved so much. Even sitting in the same room as my ex-husband and listening to him talk and the direction of our conversation left me thankful for the growth that I’ve achieved in myself and in my life.
I’ve been feeling a little off this week, disconnected and not like myself but today I feel like I’m settling back into myself, if that makes sense. I’m looking forward to new chapters in my story and I can’t wait to see what my future holds.
Nothing but bliss if I have anything to say about it.