I’m lying here in bed, failing to sleep yet again, thinking to myself…
“wtf is wrong with me?”
Why do I feel so much pain over the “loss” of someone I never even had a tangible relationship with? Why is it so hard to get over this?
I know it’s ridiculous. I. KNOW. THIS.
If he were anyone else, I would have written him off long ago.
We’ve never been on a date…never kissed…never had sex…never even had a meaningful conversation.
But I cry over him, long for him, miss him like I have lost the love of my life.
So I ask again, “wtf is wrong with me?”
Never in my life have I been this way over a man. I have never chased a man. I have never been this needy. I have never been this adamantly stubborn…or delusional apparently…about a man.
But as sure as I know my own name, I know I feel love for this man.
I’m not even sure I know why. He hasn’t given me much of an outward reason to.
I have so much cognitive dissonance from this truth of loving him and the knowledge that, logically, I shouldn’t.
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I’ve finally broken my brain.
Maybe I’m dead and this is my hell.
I’m just tired of this dull ache in my chest that never seems to go away. I’m tired of his unwarranted and unwavering hatred for me. I’m tired of feeling so deeply and wanting so much from a man who was too much of a coward to even admit that he cared about me.
I have got to make some sense of all this. I get that he doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me, doesn’t even like me as a person now. I know that. But there is still a part of me that believes he once did and that maybe he still thinks of me.
What I can’t make sense of is how I can still care for and want to make amends with someone who has, according to my perception of things, treated me like garbage, used me, lied to me, played with my emotions, rejected me and then made me feel like it was all my fault.
But for some reason, I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see the good in him…..even though he’s never given me the same courtesy.
I love someone who once told me that I’ve only ever brought misery into his life. That statement alone should have been the end of my love for him.
I’ve got to get my shit together and my head on straight. This is NOT me!
I’ve been making so much progress but right now I’m just frustrated and exhausted and reaching some kind of breaking point as I work through all of this.
I’m just going to have my mini-meltdown, drink some tea, sleep (hopefully) and wake up on a more positive note tomorrow. (again, hopefully)