One day I hope to be enough….for myself and for someone else. One day I hope to find a heart that will accept me and, dare I say, love me for the way I am.
This journey of evolution I’m on has been, for the most part, enlightening and positive. But healing and growth is not always love and light. As a matter of fact, if you’re doing it right, it’s messy and dark and heart wrenchingly painful.
The last few days have been one of those dark and painful times in which my heart has been at war with my head.
Just because I’ve let him go, doesn’t mean I don’t still miss him or wish things could be different. Just because I know he doesn’t care about me and that we will never be together doesn’t mean I don’t still feel what I felt for him. Every single day.
So, now, instead of trying harder or loving more, I recall all the rejection, all the coldness and cruelty. I replay all the hurtful words/actions over and over in my head. I let them sink in and saturate my heart, causing myself such anguish…..because that’s the only way I can counteract the love, the desire and the wistful longing I still carry for him.
I never again want to hurt him or cause him a moment of sadness, anger or even discomfort. But still, I wish there was a way he could feel the pain of what I am feeling, just a glimpse into the damage that has been done…only so he could gain some understanding and maybe a little compassion for what I have been going through in all this.
And maybe if he could see inside my head and feel what’s in my heart, he would gain a little understanding, compassion and regret for what HE has lost in all this, as well.