here.

Right now, my journey isn’t about love.

I thought it was going to be. I thought I had met someone who was unlike anyone I had ever known. I knew he wasn’t available, that our timing was off, but that seemed like just a formality.

So much risk, for very little reward, it turns out. Even though there is a part of me that even now feels foolish for thinking that there was ever anything real between us, there is another part of me that knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he had the potential to be the love of my life.

The whole experience broke my heart. It destroyed me in ways that I had never thought possible by something that was not even a tangible relationship. It brought me to my knees and brought me back to a harsh, self-aware reality that I had to face.

So no, my current journey is not about love. Right now, my journey is about being alone. This is the time I am being challenged…to finally find hope in the vacancy, peace in the quiet and comfort in the way I stretch wildly into my own life and give myself permission to take up space within it.

Right now, I am being shown that I can love myself the most, that I can depend on the person I have become, that I can be my own home, no matter what (or who) comes my way.

Right now, my journey is about redemption. This is the time to make amends with my heart. To stand up for the vast ways in which it loves and cares and believes in the goodness of vulnerability and expression. It is time for me to be a person who forgives, even when faced with unkindness and rejection.

Right now, I am getting a second chance to trust in love and to forgive myself for giving it away to someone who did not value it. But most importantly, right now I am being called to protect it, to find my way back into my tenderness, my selflessness, my confidence…to find my way back to the sincerity, righteousness and beauty of loving with my whole soul.

Right now, my journey is about hope. Maybe this is the time I am to remind myself of the beauty that life has to offer me. Maybe right now, I am being given the space to discover the kinds of places and experiences that leave my heart dripping with feeling, the kinds of songs that are mine and mine alone, the kinds of people who love me in a way that does not seek to change me or make me feel as if I’m “less”.

Right now, I am being given a chance to reclaim my joy, to make it the most natural extension of who I am, to let it spill out of my words and my laughter and my tears. To let it be something I believe I am worthy of, to let it be something I believe I deserve.

So right now, this journey is about ME. This is the time to be my own savior, to be my own safe place. Right now, I am being reminded that the people who walked away were only ever leading me back to myself. He was only ever leading me here.

Here, I am content on my own. Here, I am rebuilding. Here, I am adapting and mending and reclaiming all of the pieces I let him walk away with. Here, I am being kinder to my soul and giving myself the same kind of love I have always given to others. Here, I am not making exceptions or making myself small. Here, I am not rushing my heart or depending on another human being to fill it.

Here, I am healing. Here, I am growing. Here, I am happy.

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