I’m in this super weird mindset right now….
I’m all about abstinence and not sharing my sexual energy right now. But it’s not because I’m feeling asexual. Quite the opposite….I’m a very sexual person and I’m spending this time of self-imposed celibacy to focus on harnessing and expanding my sexual energy. I’m doing some solo tantric practices and some kundalini work. I may be abstaining from partnered sex but I’m definitely not without pleasure in my life.
The thing is, these energetic practices have awoken things in me….
One of those things being that I want to have another baby. I have been thinking about this off and on for several months but I don’t know why it has become so important to me all of a sudden. Maybe because of the fact that, despite my age, I don’t feel like I’m done having children. But I know that window is closing and honestly, it makes me really sad because I really love being a mother and yet, I know it’s not very likely that I will have another child.
There is nobody in my life to even consider having a child with and given my disinterest in dating, I doubt there will be anytime soon. Plus my standards are much higher now and I’m looking for more than just a man I connect with and who makes me happy….he would also have to have all the traits of an amazing father.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there is enough time left on my biological clock to make this happen in the best way for everyone who would be involved. Especially the child.
I was actually crying about this earlier because I feel like I am meant to have at least one more child. I know it’s silly to be upset about it and I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it because it makes no sense. I already have 3 children, ranging in age from 8 to 22. But like I said, I love being a mother.
I’m not going to just try to find a man to have a baby or rush into anything in the hopes of adding to my family. If I have another baby, I want to do it the right way and bring it into a love-filled life with an amazing father.
But I doubt that will happen so I might as well resolve myself to not having any more children and just find a way to deal with the sorrow that thought brings.