My meditation this morning was focused on letting go of the pain, the blame and the doubt that had taken root in me from my situation with the INTP.
I have really beat myself up over my mistakes and my faults. I let self doubt fill me to overflowing, making me feel “not good enough” and at times, making me feel like I deserved his hatred.
But I DO NOT. I do not deserve that. I did not do anything to him that was so grievous that it warrants his hatred.
I. Am. Human.
I am imperfect and selfish and I let my emotions get the best of me at times. I spoke out of pain and frustration and anger sometimes but I am not evil or hateful or even a mean-spirited person. Inherently, I am a good person and I did have a true and deep love for him. Of that, I am certain.
But at first, on the question of loving him, that is where all of my doubt came in. I questioned and doubted the validity of that love so much and so often. For many reasons….
I don’t buy into the “love at first sight” phenomenon. How could I love someone I barely know, have not spent any quality time with or even really had a meaningful conversation with?
Why do I feel so passionately for someone I’ve never dated, made love with, barely touched or even kissed?
How could I give so much care and trust to someone who rejects me most of the time (most but not always), makes no effort, is rarely ever “nice” to me and seemingly possesses some traits that I would find to be unequivocal dealbreakers in any other man?
I know, it sounds ridiculous. Hence all my doubt. But there was always this underlying current of it just feeling “right”. There was always a certainty that there was something more. Or that there could have easily been ssomething more. I never took him at face value. I always read between the lines. And even now, even though he ignores me, berates me, puts me down and claims he hates me, I still feel confident in the fact that he felt something for me, too. Maybe not now but at one time, I think he felt our passion and cared for me, as well. He may not have been in love with me but he felt something. And he may not even know what it was he felt. He may not be able to put a name to it but he will never convince me that there was nothing but indifference in his heart for me, that he never longed for me or that he never imagined us together.
I remember every little moment of affirmation he gave me. Moments when he showed he cared, in his own way. Moments when he gave in to that passion and fueled it further. Moments when we had an intimacy between us that transcended physical touch. Moments when he let me see him, even if they were only fleeting glimpses.
But as unwavering and certain as I seemed in my love for him before, there was always a part of me that questioned and doubted. What if I’m just delusional or lonely or what if I am completely wrong about him and just in love with a fantasy version of him?
But now, after spending alot of time digging into my psyche….my emotions, my perceptions, my motives and intentions….I am certain that my love for him was real and valid. I may have gotten some things wrong about him but I still think I was right about him more often than not. I may have handled some situations poorly and I may have pushed too hard, too fast and too much but I am confident that what I felt for him was not a fluke or a delusion. It was real. It was important. And it was life changing for me.
Also, after something that happened on Friday, I realized how up until now, my love for him has been mostly selfish. Mostly about what I wanted and needed. I also realized that while it’s okay and perfectly normal for me to feel hurt, disappointed or sad about how things turned out, it’s not the end of the world. I can allow my heart to break, process it and then heal from it and move on. I do not have to carry that pain forever nor do I have to burden him with it. There are far worse things to have gone through. And when all is said and done, this life lesson will have helped me to grow into a better person.
Because of the experience I had on Friday, I feel differently about everything now. I feel a selflessness that just solidifies the pureness and sureness of my love for this man. So even in the certainty of my love for him, I still know that the best thing, for both of us, is to remain sure (and selfless) in letting him go.
What happened is deeply personal (to him as well) so I don’t want to share it here but I kinda feel like I want to share it with him. But even though it isn’t my intention to do so, it may hurt or anger him if I do share this with him. I may be crossing a line by mentioning something that I probably have no right to and making assumptions about things I really know nothing about. So I am going to write about it and put in on my other blog I have, one that is personal for him and I. Nobody reads that one except him. And I will decide later if I will ask him to read it. He probably will not but at least I know I got those feelings and thoughts out.
We will never really know what could have been between him and I but I have chosen to let go of all those aforementioned negative feelings that were brought about by those “what ifs” and “should’ve beens”.
The doubt is gone. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven him. And whatever feelings and path he has chosen is his prerogative. He may truly hate me and while I think that is unfair and unnecessary, that is his choice. That doesn’t mean I have to hate him. I do not. I never will. And I also don’t have to allow myself to be hated. I don’t have to be mean and negative to him just because he hates me. I don’t have to carry the burden of his opinion of me. I know who I am, the good and the bad, and I know I am a person worthy of love, respect, kindness and forgiveness. He may not give me any of those things but that is not indicative of how I should respond in turn.
I refuse to hate. I refuse to be hated. And regardless of what happened in the past, I refuse to show him anything but love, respect, kindness and forgiveness from now on. We may never talk or interact again. I may never have a chance to put that promise into action and he may never trust it even if I did, but at least I will know what’s in my heart.
True and pure.