First, I want to say that I’ve been thinking about the kind of love I want lately. Probably because I fell in love with someone who didn’t (or wouldn’t) love me back. And it shattered my heart…and sometimes my mind…to pieces. While there were so many good things about him…..really so many AMAZING things….subtlety mesmerizing traits that shimmered just beneath his surface…qualities I didn’t even realize I wanted or needed in my life….there were also some major red flags that my head ignored in favor of letting my heart lead the way. Because in some ways, he was everything I wanted, so unexpectedly perfect for me….totally opposite in some things but in such a way that he was my energetic balance, a blissful contrast to every other mediocre man I had ever known. The ice to my fire. The yang to my yin.
I still think that there was a potential for us to have a breathtaking, magical, passionate experience together, had the timing been right. I mean, there are also a hundred other little reasons why we ended up where we are now…side effects and consequences of all the other little things that were stacked against us ever coming together or having a chance.
Anyway, I digress…..my point was that I’ve been thinking alot about all of the things I did/said wrong….or at least could have done/said differently or better. I’ve been thinking alot about the “settling” I did and the concessions I made and it has led me to not only the changes and growth I’m making in my own life but also to wondering what any future experience of love will look like for me…or how I want it to look anyway.
So I wrote something about that, which I will post tomorrow, but it also led me to the realization that while love is something I definitely want and will have in my life, it is not my priority right now. It’s not in the equation of the journey I’m on at the moment. My current journey is about healing and growing from love and the heartbreak that came with it. I’m in the process of writing about that also and will probably publish that post tomorrow, as well.
So between family time and adulting time, that’s what I’ve been doing and thinking about today.
Now, I’m ready for some down time, some “me” time.