small temptations.

I’m definitely tempted. But I know it’s just a physical reaction. I also know it has less to do with him and more with needing to feel wanted and desired.

I was so rejected and unwanted by the INTP that it really messed with my head and my self-esteem. I hate that I let it. I hate that I let my feelings of worth be determined by another person. I never have before but he just affected me in a way that no one else ever has and that no one else ever will again.

So, even though Calen is an attractive, intelligent and nice guy, I actually regret having him in my life right now. I’m not looking for casual sex or a temporary relationship and I don’t think I have it in me to give any more of myself to anyone right now.

I may be a little tempted but I’m not actually in a flirtatious mood nor do I really feel like spending my time talking to him right now. It’s nothing personal at all. I just have alot going on right now. I’m super busy with family, work and personal stuff. And all of my free time is spent immersed in my own healing and growth.

I’m honestly not interested in trying to get to know another guy right now. I have nothing to offer him as far as my time, attention or desires go.

But I don’t really know how to say that without coming across as rude or mean. I think he understands how I feel for the most part. He seems to. But he still makes that little extra effort to show that he wants more. Which is nice….someone making an effort….but I’m just not ready and I cannot offer more.

And I don’t know when I will be ready or if he will even be in the picture when I am. I’ve been thinking alot about what’s next for me in my life and I may not even be in this state by the time I’m ready. I’ve been wanting to move to Washington State for years now and I’m thinking that maybe it’s time that I seriously put a plan into motion to make that happen within the next few years.

I don’t know…there are alot of things to consider. But I’m thinking long and hard about it all. And other than family, there is really nothing keeping me here.

So I’ll just keep working on myself, dreaming and making plans, and see how it all plays out over the next year or so with family obligations and just life in general.

But for tonight, I’m sleeping contentedly alone.

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