late night conversation.

I feel like I have grown so much over the last few weeks. I feel like I am finally thinking clearly and in my own best interest.

I had an amazing conversation with the new guy last night. Well, last night and into the early hours of the morning. We talked for 5 hours on the phone, which is something I haven’t done in a long, long time. We had an amazing conversation. We got deep. We got silly. There were no awkward silences or lack of things to talk about. It was refreshing.

That was definitely something I missed out on with the INTP. Actual conversation. Getting to know and learn about each other.

And this new guy….I’ll call him “C”….actually wanted to know about me. He asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in my answers.

And while there were a few moments of sexual innuendo and a couple questions about likes or preferences, there was not any extensive talk of anything sex-related. We have flirted in the past and there is definitely some sexual tension there but it wasn’t a topic of priority.

I had kicked around the idea of sending him a “risky” picture but after more thought, I decided against it. I wanted to be fun and sexy with him but in a way, I don’t feel right about it. For several reasons. The picture thing was something I did with the INTP. He’s the only man I ever felt comfortable doing that with so really, that’s just our thing. The only other time I sent one to another guy, I felt kinda “ick” about it. So I think I’ll leave the pictures off the table for now. But it’s not only the fact that is was something special between the INTP and I….it’s also that toward the end, the pictures became a point of contention between him and I. He made me feel undesirable and like I was just a pair of tits and ass to him. He took something that I thought was special and intimate between us and made me feel kinda gross for it. So I really don’t want to put myself out there like that again.

And I don’t feel like I need to with “C”.

Towards the end of our conversation, I had made a decision and I told him that I did not want to get involved with anyone for awhile….no dating, no sex, etc…

I explained to him that I think he’s amazing but that my heart is still broken and needs to do some healing but even more so than that, I need to grow and become a better version of myself. Because in order to be truly happy, make someone else happy and have a healthy and lasting relationship, I need to be the best version of myself. I need to be in love with myself and my own life first. Because if I have learned anything from my situation with the INTP, it’s that I am NOT the best version of myself and I need to learn how to love better and be less selfish. And also more selfish in a way because I need to not settle for less than what I deserve, as well. I also need to learn how to trust myself…and other people…again.

After telling him all this, what impressed me the most (Yep, impressed….that’s the 2nd “I”) is that he understood and actually commended me for my “emotional intelligence and insight into myself”. His actual words.

But he didn’t get mad or offended or try to convince me otherwise. He said he really liked me and that he doesn’t know how much “better” I can get but that he is not one to ever hold someone back from their own growth. And then we proceeded to get into another deep conversation about societal expectations surrounding dating and relationships and how people need to be more self-aware and less in a mindset of being with someone just to be in a relationship, etc….

So yeah, I was really impressed with his own insight and his easy-going, non-judgmental acceptance.

I told him I don’t expect him to “wait” for me to figure my shit out. I don’t know how long this process will be for me. But we agreed to stay platonic friends.

I feel good about my decision. I don’t need any unnecessary distractions and I’m proud of myself for not giving in and just jumping into something else out of loneliness or just because I want to feel loved or worthy or desirable again.

The sexual aspect isn’t even an issue for me right now. I spent so much time filled with such an insatiable passion for the INTP. It was such a surreal and fiery and unquenchable thing that consumed me and there was never any real release for it. It was a passion that remained unsatisfied and unreciprocated. And it made me question my womanhood and feel ways about myself that I never want to feel again. It made look at my own sexuality and everything pertaining to sexual energy differently.

Now I’m on this spiritual mission of sorts to restore, reinvent and reclaim my sexuality. And for me that means several things….conserving my sexual energy, awakening my kundalini, reclaiming my power as a woman, etc. I’m working on a piece detailing more about this. I will post that soon.

I am a sexual being and I enjoy things pertaining to passion and hedonistic pleasures….selectively, of course. But with the INTP, I dove in headfirst, riding that wave of intense sexual attraction I felt for him but ultimately, I gave myself too freely to someone who neither appreciated nor wanted my passion. I expended myself for someone who rarely gave me anything in return. He emptied me. And the worst part is that he was capable, more than capable of giving back, of filling me up (in more ways than one 😉) but in his selfishness, he just chose not to.

In the rare moments when he did give back, there was such an intimacy and a fire that manifested itself into such a potent physical reaction and I know he felt it, too. There was just never enough. He would always retreat. I don’t know why exactly but he always held back. And if we had ever been together, physically, I have no doubt that it would have been nothing short of mind blowing.

But eventually, it just stopped feeling good and right because he made it clear that he felt nothing more for me and that I was just a nameless, faceless, common physical reaction to him. And that destroyed me and the last remnants of my desire….and my self-worth.

So I’m slowly rebuilding those things within myself.

But I digress, I’ve gotten off topic….

Anyway, I’m proud of myself. Everything is finally coming together. I am genuinely content with the direction my life is taking. I’m eager to put in the work and excited to see what the outcome will be. And when I have accomplished all I need to for myself, I have no doubt that all the other things, like love and relationships, will fall effortlessly into place.

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