In just the past week, I have learned so much about the act of “letting go”. I’ve learned to see things differently and think of things in ways I haven’t before. And the thing I have realized that has been the most beneficial to me in moving on is that it does not have to be a traumatizing event. Sure, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to cause moments of intense sadness and regret….but that is all they are….moments. And in the next moment. you can decide to pick yourself up and carry on. The next moments you find may contain laughter or joy or peace. You just have to keep moving forward…..toward that next moment.
I was in love with someone who could not love me back in that moment but I now understand that this is not a reflection of my goodness or a reflection of my worth. Sometimes life weathers people in different ways. Sometimes people want different things. We are all on this Earth just trying to figure ourselves out, just trying to mend the breaks in our own souls, just trying to deal with what is heavy within our own hearts and just trying to find our own version, our own particular brand, of peace and happiness.
Human interaction is at the center of it all. It’s just an endless trial and error of sex, love and compatibility. And sometimes it’s a volatile and fragile process to find that person you just click with. Sometimes, we’re ready and the other person is not. Sometimes, we try, and the other person does not. Sometimes, we pour ourselves into another human being and they cannot contain all that we are. Sometimes, we fight, and the other person surrenders. Or worse, they fight harder, against you. Sometimes, we choose to give more of ourselves and love harder than we ever have before and the other person makes no effort whatsoever. Sometimes, we find the person who is IT for us…our forever, our soulmate, our twin flame, the love of our life, whatever you want to call them…and yet, the other person decides that they cannot choose that same reality. (Personally, I don’t believe in the whole “only one person for someone, ever” soulmate way of thinking but that’s a post for another time…lol)
I now understand that it’s ok.
Because at the end of the day, if someone does not meet your expectations, you cannot keep asking them to do so. If someone cannot reciprocate your love or if someone cannot give you what you truly deserve, you have to understand that aching for them to do so is a form of self destruction.
My own heart is a vast yet vulnerable thing and I cannot keep trying to shrink it into what someone else needs it to be. I cannot keep pouring my love into a vessel that cannot contain it. I cannot keep pouring my love into a soul that has not opened his eyes to all that he is receiving. I cannot keep pouring my love into a heart that is closed off to it. It has only left me empty.
I have to walk away. I have to let this person live on his own terms. I have to let him grow on his own terms because you can’t love someone into their potential. You can’t love someone into loving you back. They have to decide to do that on their own.
And trust me, it is incredibly hard to walk away from someone I deeply care for. It is incredibly hard to lay all of that love down, to close my heart off to all that it sees in this other human being. But I deserve to be loved in return, without having to beg for that love and without having to chase that love down.
But in walking away, I have learned to embrace my emotions. I have learned how to not apologize for how or why I love and how to stand up for its value. I have learned how to pour all of the love that I was giving to the wrong person, back into myself. I have learned how to pour it into all that I desire in life. I have learned how to pour it into my growth, into my writing, into my hope and into my future.
In walking away, I have opened myself to the kind of love that will choose me just as freely as I choose it. I will open myself to the kind of man who will see me and want to know me…a man who will think, despite my quirks and my flaws, that I am a rare and beautiful and worthwhile soul.
I have opened myself to new beginnings, to a future that unfolds in ways that won’t hurt or break me down, but rather, build me up, and show me just how worthy I am of having my heart held gently in the hands of another rare, beautiful and worthwhile soul.