We are slowed down sound and light waves, a walking bundle of frequencies tuned into the cosmos. We are souls dressed up in sacred biochemical garments and our bodies are the instruments through which our souls play their music.
I love that quote. It makes me feel like I am capable of greater things, like I am meant for more.
But lately my soul has been silent. There has been no music, just a low static hum of electricity coursing through my veins. Just enough to let me know I’m still alive but only going through the motions.
I know I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been absent and quiet, non-existent on the blog.
Sometimes I need anonymity. Sometimes I just need to breathe and pretend for awhile that the outside world does not exist.
Sometimes I just need time…time for me, time for my thoughts.
This is not me hiding. This is me trying desperately to heal.
My energy is completely misaligned, my mind is in chaos and my body is rebelling against me.
My overall health…physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually…is at the weakest, lowest point it’s ever been.
It’s time for some changes. It’s time to implement an effective plan for a complete, hard reset of my life.
Most of the stress that I have been dealing with over the last few years has finally either been processed and managed or dissipated on it’s own.
The only thing I’m still having trouble dealing with is an intense heartbreak….the ending of something I had put so much hope and effort into, which really ended up being nothing at all what I thought it was. Or maybe it was everything and the bad timing and level of miscommunication proved to be too much of an obstacle for us to even be friends. I still don’t know any real truth about it except that this guy and the entire situation really fucked me up in ways I never thought possible. I don’t really feel inclined to go into specifics. I am dialing my level of sharing and vulnerability way back.
He meant so much to me and regardless of how I feel now, I don’t want to trash him to anyone else. Whatever negative feelings I have left about the situation, I’m dealing with them and keeping them to myself. I also don’t want to go into all the things I myself did wrong. He is an amazing person in so many ways. He is just not the person meant for me.
One of the changes I’m making is to live in the present….letting go of expectations and attachments to certain outcomes. I try not to overthink every little thing anymore. I’m trying to develop the mindset of just flowing with what is but that is super difficult for someone like me so it’s definitely a work in progress. Some days I am productive in accomplishing that and some days not so much. I always overanalyze everything. I always need reasons and answers. I always need to have everything and everyone “figured out”. Having that kind of thought process, coupled with my intuition, is like a superpower in a way. But lately it’s been a burden because I’ve lost control of it and to be quite honest, I’m not sure I trust it anymore. I’ve let my logic and reasoning get skewed by my emotions and desires. I’ve been living in a constant state of cognitive dissonance for far too long now. Regaining control has definitely been a lesson in willpower and patience, two things I’ve been in short supply of lately.
But I’m definitely working on it and I think I am getting closer to a higher level of mindfulness and self-awareness.
I’ve been trying to reinvent myself for awhile, ever since I started this blog. This was supposed to be a record of my “evolution” so to speak.
I’ve made great changes and I’ve also failed. At times, I have taken 2 steps forward on that evolutionary scale only to take 3 steps back. Still, I grow and learn and change. Every single day.
I just have not achieved the amount of progress I had hoped for in all areas of my life and I know that I alone am the reason for that. I’ve been distracted and unmotivated and I haven’t believed in myself as much as I should have. I haven’t wanted it like I should have. But all that stops now.
For once, I am beyond motivated and so very excited to put in the work and the effort. For myself. Finally.
I am not interested in perfection….only evolution.
“I am allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.”