little notes revisited.

I’ve been awake since 3am. It’s been awhile since thoughts of you have kept me awake like this. I just can’t seem to get you out of my head. I just can’t seem to let go of what I feel for you.

I tried to convince myself that the warm feeling in my gut….the one that makes me wet, makes my heart race inside my chest, makes it harder for me to breathe and sends goosebumps across my skin is just biology.

I tried to tell myself that it’s just physical attraction….that it’s just a primal feeling, a chemical reaction to your energy, an unexplored curiosity about the erotic feelings of intimacy and undiscovered pleasure that you bring about in me.

And I almost had myself convinced….

Then I realized that the physical attraction is only so intense because of my emotional and intellectual attraction to you. The warmth is there all the time….when you walk into the room, when you smile, when you tease me or we have an inside joke, when we share a moment of unexpected kindness, when you just get me…..even when you just randomly cross my mind during the day. It’s undeniable that the affection and desire I have for you extends beyond just the physical.

It’s a warmth that, on one hand, is indeed primal and carnal and full of selfish need but on the other hand, it’s also a warmth that is infused with selflessness and sweetness and a blatant wish to just make you happy.

I have love for you….genuine, senseless, unexplainable, adamant, unbreakable love for you. It is a flood of emotion that cannot seem to be quelled by any obstacle.

Whether we are right for each other or whether the timing lines up really makes no difference. At least not in my feelings. I know it makes all the difference in our actions and in the outcome, which is why I stay so sad and frustrated all the time.

It’s also why I have done such a horrible job of loving you. I will be the first to admit that. My words and actions have often not lived up to the emotion that I actually feel. I have not done “love” any justice.

I do not think you are blameless but I’m no longer interested in placing blame. I cannot force you to love me or make you treat me in the way I feel I deserve. I know now that you have your own way of showing you care and reasons for doing what you do. I do not think that everything is my fault. But there is much fault that does lie with me. I cannot control or dictate your words or behavior….only my own. And in that aspect, I have failed miserably when it comes to loving you in the way you should be loved. I take full responsibility for that.

I feel like I know you but I haven’t used that knowledge as a guideline for how to treat you. I have willingly ignored what I know to be right in favor of my own desires. I have let my insecurity and need for validation run rampant. I have been selfish, wanting my own needs met without trying overly hard to meet yours. I haven’t listened to you or respected your wishes. I have not taken into account who you are as a person. I have placed unfair expectations and demands on you.

I have treated you as an ordinary man and our situation as uncomplicated and deserving of the common standards of a normal relationship. But the truth is, you are extraordinary and our relationship is complex and unique. The love I feel for you is, in itself, extraordinary and complex, so treating you…and my feelings….as something mundane and by the books was a mistake.

You asked me once if I wanted you to treat me like a girlfriend and I said “no”. But that wasn’t entirely true. I do want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your lover. I want to be your best friend. But I know that with our situation, I cannot have those aspirations and I cannot expect the normal, cookie cutter responses from you.

I’ve never met anyone like you and I’ve never felt anything like this. That is my most joyous and my most heartbreaking truth.

And I’m sorry I ruined it with my labels, my expectations, my volatile emotions, my need for more and my lack of insight into how to manage it all. I’m more sorry than you will ever know for all the times I have hurt you or made you feel like less than what I know you to be.

I could give you a plethora of excuses as to why I have done or said the things I have but I know you don’t care for excuses. Only words and actions that line up. You are like me in that way.

So instead, I am giving you my humble sincerity in saying I know I have been wrong. I know I have said horrible things and behaved in ways that is the antithesis of the love I claim.

But I can say with the utmost honesty and transparency that I adore you, that I feel protective of you, would fight for you, comfort you, sacrifice for you, have your back, be your biggest supporter, make your happiness a priority, give you immeasurable pleasure, fill your life with endless laughter, make you feel understood and needed and show you that your trust in me would not be misplaced.

All of that is true but I know it’s hard for you to comprehend when at times, I have behaved like your worst enemy. And that is my fault. My behavior and words at times has been born out of fear, frustration and sadness. I am human and I make mistakes. I am far from perfect. I am riddled with faults and missteps. But as emotional as I am, I have never been one to let them get away from me like that.

I know better and I can definitely do better. There is alot I need to “fix” about myself. I have not been “evolving” nearly as well as I had hoped to be. But being aware and wanting to change is the first step, is it not?

I know I have alot of damage control to do and I don’t expect you to forgive me or want to really talk to me or resume what passed for a friendship with us anytime soon. But you do know me and you are as intuitive as I am so I have faith that you do believe I am being sincere when I say that I am sorry and that I truly do care so much about you.

From now on, as much as you will allow me to, I will do everything in my power to love you, the right way…..the way I should have from the start. Even if that means loving you from afar.

I should have loved you purely from the beginning, without it being dependent on whether you loved me back or what effort you did or did not make or what I wanted to hear from you or whatever my own needs or wants were.

I got caught up in the ego and selfishness of it all and I have so many regrets, so much remorse. Life is short and you know I don’t really believe in definitives so all I want now is to show you the love and respect that I should have shown you from the beginning. I hope you will let me.

I think there may be a part of you that still cares about me and I am hopeful that maybe one day you will allow me to show you…to prove to you…that I do see you, that I understand your needs and respect who you are as a person, not just the similarities and things which are easy to love but our differences and things I may not understand, as well. I am hopeful that one day you will come to know and believe in my love for you.

I do not ask for another chance lightly. I want to to prove myself to you. I want to earn your trust and your respect. And I would be honored to be given the chance to show you more of me, the other sides and better parts of me that may even one day earn your affection, kindness and friendship.

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