heartbreak

I spent all of yesterday soaked in sunshine, saltwater and solitude. I loved every second of it. I so needed a day to just recharge and renew. And think.

I’ve been thinking a lot about heartbreak. My own heart is currently broken so I’ve been digging deep, trying to find a way to let go and move on…..and be “ok” with doing so. Amidst all my introspection, I have begun to look at it from a different perspective.

Everyone writes about the pain of heartbreak and I usually feel it from that tragic angle as well…

But today I want to write about how lucky we are, as humans, to just experience that depth of raw emotion. To be able to feel things in such a way that it changes or shapes who we are.

Yes, it IS painful as fuck….

Heartbreak destroys parts of you, without a doubt. But we have a choice. We can take those feelings that are forever imprinted on us and only choose to acknowledge the pain and loss and destruction of heartbreak or we can embrace the lessons learned and the beautiful wisdom gained from it.

We can stay stuck, allowing only fear and mistrust to guide us or we can move forward, allowing forgiveness and trust to light the way towards new love.

I choose to move forward.

It is difficult to make that choice, especially when I am currently saturated with all the negative emotions attributed to heartbreak. I feel like I sacrificed too much of myself and gained nothing in return. I wasted so much time and energy. I also gave up a my peace of mind and self worth in loving someone who either couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t know how to love me back. It’s hard to look at things with positivity and forgiveness in my situation, but I do because that is who I am inside and that is how I remain strong and resilient.

I do not want to wallow in that sadness or anger. I don’t want to place all the blame on him or feel guilt for the things I myself may have done wrong to him. Neither of us are faultless so I just want to do the right thing by everyone, including myself. I want to be strong and be able to move on to live my best life, while allowing him to live his.

Whether he believes me or not, I do wish for his happiness. I cannot deny or regret the feelings I once had for him. He was this surreal, breathtaking, unexpected bit of magic in my life. My muse, evoking countless feelings and words of romanticism and lustful fantasies. My hero and my teacher in ways I cannot even explain. He was hope and love and desire for me. There were times when I was so full of emotion for him, so full of elation at just seeing his face or being near him that I thought I would burst. So, no, I could never forget or regret knowing him.

But if I want to grow as person and if my own happiness means anything at all to me, there is no other option but to keep moving forward.

Of course, a part of me does not want to let go. A part of me still wants to talk to him and pretend like everything is fine. I still want him in my life. I still want to ignite that fire and that feeling again every time I see him. I desperately wish that things were different and that we were not ending our story with so much animosity and dislike between us. But he was right, we have to end this cycle and at this point in time, we are both too stubborn and too lacking in any significant change of mindset to not fall back into that same cycle. We are toxic to each other. I used to think he was the yang to my yin but now I see he is just the oil to my water.

I just need to stay away from him and focus on the good things in my life. I know that remnants of what I feel for him are still dormant in my soul and if I let him in again, I will find myself chasing that high and letting myself down in the process. But what would I even be fighting for or holding on to when there is nothing between us but a bitter ending?

So sometimes it seems, in moving on, that movement looks like 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.

Sometimes that movement is the heaving of our shoulders as we struggle to take a breath in between sobs.

Sometimes that movement is found in being still as we allow our brain to slow down and our spirit to rest.

I don’t always feel brave.

I don’t always feel strong.

I don’t always feel right and justified in my words or actions.

But as long as I keep moving forward, I don’t need to have all the answers or make sense of this all right now.

There is no time limit on my pain.

Or my healing.

Or my growth.

There is also no expiration date on acting human.

There is no expiration date on finding myself.

I can be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.

So, I will move forward,

I will practice patience,

and I will carry myself with worth and grace.

Even if for no one else but myself.

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