I love that….
“gasoline soul and lit match certainty”
because that is exactly how I want him.
I want him so beautifully, so openly, so wholly.
But for how much longer?
I am not built that way, to sustain on “want” alone. I need connection and chemistry. I need not only intellectual stimulation but emotional comfort, as well. I need a friend AND a lover. That is how I am made to love.
It’s not even about timing or circumstances. It’s about all of these components that I thought were possible with us, regardless of ‘timing’….all of these components that HE says we lack.
So, I guess I’m just trying to figure out what it is that I even want anymore.
Just a meaningless one night stand? Just someone to make me feel desired and alive again?
No, that’s not it. I want it all. His time, his attention, his affection. I want a soul connection and his version of chemistry. I want deep conversations and to call him my friend.
Even if I can’t call him “mine”.
But I will never have any of that with him so why want him at all?