I love that….

“gasoline soul and lit match certainty”

because that is exactly how I want him.

I want him so beautifully, so openly, so wholly.

But for how much longer?

I am not built that way, to sustain on “want” alone. I need connection and chemistry. I need not only intellectual stimulation but emotional comfort, as well. I need a friend AND a lover. That is how I am made to love.

It’s not even about timing or circumstances. It’s about all of these components that I thought were possible with us, regardless of ‘timing’….all of these components that HE says we lack.

So, I guess I’m just trying to figure out what it is that I even want anymore.

Just a meaningless one night stand? Just someone to make me feel desired and alive again?

No, that’s not it. I want it all. His time, his attention, his affection. I want a soul connection and his version of chemistry. I want deep conversations and to call him my friend.

Even if I can’t call him “mine”.

But I will never have any of that with him so why want him at all?

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