I don’t think I’m quite ready to start writing again. I will get excited about it for a minute but then it just starts to feel like a hassle or an obligation.
Maybe it’s that the person who was my muse acts like he hates me and has made me feel like my writing is worthless. Or maybe I am just starting to feel more like myself and less like sharing.
All I know is that I don’t feel inspired right now and sharing my thoughts and feelings, especially about him, do not bring me the happiness and sense of purpose that they used to.
I had started to write about other things besides him, things that I think are interesting or important but I keep second guessing myself or getting distracted. If I am being honest, the fact that he has remained indifferent and “neutral” to my words after I have put my entire heart and soul into them has really filled me with alot of self-doubt. I feel like I put the entire essence of who I am and what I feel into his hands and still have not been seen or heard. Or worse, that I was seen and heard, found lacking and subsequently dismissed as not being wanted or not being good enough.
I’m just finding this rejection alot harder to deal with than I thought and my hurt feelings are overshadowing everything else. And quite frankly, it disgusts me that I have turned into this kind of needy, insecure woman. This is not me and this will not be me.
It’s just such a hollow and sickening feeling having wasted this depth of emotion on someone who never even wanted or appreciated it. And it’s such a saddening and painful feeling to care so much and think so much of someone who cares so little and thinks so little of me.
I mean, I can’t berate him for not feeling anything for me. Affection and admiration, even respect, are not things that can be forced. But it still hurts. Especially when he can be so unaffected, going about his life, indifferent to me, not a care in the world, while I’m over here crying myself to sleep and feeling like I am. But I’m a fool right? I mean, what have I even lost? Apparently, I’ve been wrong about everything. I always said I was happy to just love him. My feelings brought me joy even when I thought he couldn’t return them because of “timing”. I was ok with him not reciprocating when I thought that he at least appreciated my feelings and would have maybe returned some emotion had the circumstances been different. But then he finally made it clear and told me the truth….that it wasn’t just a timing issue and that he wouldn’t want me or see any potential with me even if he were available. That was rough for me, a very hard blow to take but maybe I just needed to hear him say it for it to finally sink in.
I just want to get past all this heartache. It’s wasted emotion and wasted energy, even if it does feel like I’m dying inside. I just need to step away for awhile…from the blog, from him, from everything that just doesn’t feel right in my life anymore.
I need to get my head right and get over him. I need to focus on me and my wellbeing. I need to reevaluate and refresh.
I just need to be something other than devastated all the time.
I just need some space and for something in my mindset to change.
I just need to take some time and find a way to belong to myself again…to rediscover that resilient, confident, luminescent woman that I know I am. I need to be able to breathe again without the weight of my emotions and expectations suffocating me. I need to come to terms with the fact that he will never give me the love or compassion that I wanted from him and I need to start giving it to myself. I wrapped too much of myself up in his cold words and his unflattering opinions of me and his sporadic attention. I just want to feel whole and beautiful and worthy again….and I don’t need him for that.
So, I am going to go work on that. Hopefully, I will return to the blog with clearer vision, renewed inspiration and a more powerful and positive sense of self.
***I am still going to continue blogging my 52 Lists for Happiness every Sunday. I want to keep up with that at least, for now.