Silva Saturday: The Sunday Edition

* Vulnerability *

Of course, Jason Silva expresses it with much more eloquence and fervor than I would but here is my take on the subject of vulnerablity and what it means to me in this moment.

I didn’t even realize until recently that vulnerability is a trait I find admirable in both myself and others.

I used to equate vulnerability with self-destruction. I used to think of it as a form of weakness. Even though I can be an emotional and fairly open person, I have always felt the need to keep myself closed off from others for the most part. If people know you…your fears, your weaknesses, even your desires and loves…they can use them against you.

But being thrown into the state of vulnerability that comes with being in love and wanting someone to know and see me has forced me to look at it differently. Being vulnerable is not a weakness at all. It actually requires a great deal of strength and bravery.

Being vulnerable means letting your guard down and yes, it means risk. By completely exposing yourself and expressing your innermost thoughts and feelings, you risk being hurt, you risk being rejected, you risk being seen.

Still, I have discovered that there is so much power and so much freedom in being able to be completely vulnerable with someone. To be unaplogetically, emotionally naked and unrestrained with another human being is magical. It creates a deeper connection and a different level of intimacy.

Yes, it is challenging and frightening to say “This is me. This is who I am. This is how I feel. Take it or leave it.”

Because sometimes they “leave it” and that leaves you feeling devastated and hollow and wondering why you ever let them in to begin with. I get it. I feel that way right now.

I still don’t regret it. I don’t regret my openness with him. I don’t regret a second of my vulnerability with him. It has always felt right to be that way with him. I gave him pieces of myself, both literally and figuratively, that no one else has ever had access to. That was my gift to him…the “gift of joy” if you will…hahaha…again, both literally and figuratively. If he chooses not to appreciate, not to cherish and value what I have shared with him…my honesty, my emotion, my body even….then that is his choice. And his loss. But I am not going to let that rejection destroy my own sense of “joy”.

I will not be as open and vulnerable with everyone. He was an exception, as he is in all things to me, it seems. I would like to say that I will shut down and be cold and distant to him now after he has hurt me. But that is my pride talking and my sense of self preservation kicking in. To be honest, I don’t know if I can be any other way with him. I don’t know if I can be anything but open, honest and vulnerable with him.

But I do know that one day, I will be able to with someone else, the right someone else. I will not let one uninterested, closed off individual keep me closed off from that deeper connection and sense of intimacy that being vulnerable can bring. Someday, someone will take me as I am….and that someone will give himself back to me…..and that’s when it will all have been worth it.

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